Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Knots in My Stomach

Oh, I was afraid of this. I am not a girl who cares much at all about what others think of her. In fact, I may not care enough? This morning it made me sad when I found out that some people (who began reading my blog when I wrote about Victoria) have now stopped reading. It is because of my last post. I don't really even know what to write at this moment. I have to get to work, so I am sure I will think about it all day.

It would have been a non-issue if these women had been reading my blog for a while, and just stopped because they grew tired of my political rants, or because they think I just plain suck.

It breaks my heart that these were mothers, who came to my blog for comfort. They found it, and then when I returned to being fully who I am, they left.
I have disappointed them.

This is why I thought, after writing about Victoria, that maybe I should edit myself.
I just can't do it, I don't want to either.

The passing of 12 years has not lessened my yearning to see,
hold, and mother my daughter.
I am passionate about shedding light on stillbirth.
I am passionate about uplifting parents who have been newly introduced
to the harsh realities of mourning a child's death.

But, there is more to this woman than sadness and grief, more to me than loss and pain. I am also passionate about politics, partial-birth abortion and all the things I last posted about. I enjoy writing about those issues with fiestiness and fire. And even a little humor now and then; although, I know I'm really not all that funny.

The common thread is that I am passionate about things that are uncomfortable.
I write about them. I say what so many others can't or won't.
Despite the knots in my gut this morning, despite the tears I feel welling up, I won't edit myself. This is my spot. I need it. I like it. And my daughter would not want me to hesitate being the woman she knows her mother is.

20 comments:

KC Mom said...

Ah...the say your mind syndrome. Funny you should mention that. I've been following a blog about cupcakes for some time. Cupcakes. I just like seeing the thousands of creative ways of making cupcakes. This week the theme of the cupcakes is Obama Inagural cupcakes. So the woman writer of the blog launches into this huge week of spewing hatred of Bush and love for Obama. I probably won't check back for awhile. It's not because I don't love the cupcakes but I just don't like the subject THIS week. But it won't stop me from going back and checking in on all the other luscious cupcakes. I think it's a shame that just because there is one aspect of you that someone doesn't agree with, they can't agree to disagree and continue a relationship based on the one true thing that they believe in...the luscious cupcakes. That's one of the beautiful things about this world is diversity. I don't have to agree, but I certainly don't have to hate someone because I don't agree with them...if that were the case I'd have to write off half of our ward!☺♥ I'm sorry that has happened to you.

KC Mom said...

And I have to say to that writer to commented above. That may be true, I can't comprehend making that decision, but the fact of the matter is...we're not talking about that minute statistic. If you look at all the abortions performed how many are actually in that category...maybe a half of one percent? So really, it's not a gray area...it's a statisical anomoly. Not many people ever have had to face that decision and no one is saying we should take that decision away from someone and I've never heard anyone have anything but pure sympathy for anyone who has TRULY had to make that choice. It's too bad that we use this as a crutch for all other abortion decisions, because it's truly not reality.

mom said...

O.K...I am writing this to you, BEFORE reading what anyone else has said or talking to you...so, I have no idea what is written on this page....point being, this would be what a psychologist would call...."first response" to your latest post...with that said,

Listen to me, little lady, this is YOUR MOTHER speaking!

Here it goes, my waxing philosophically...."We are the sum of all of our parts."
Natalie, you know that I hurt for every parent who has EVER lost a child. You know my feelings about losses like those have caused me more heartache in my lifetime than you or I care to reflect upon. When you wrote about Victoria and you received such an overwhelming response, I went to every blog from every one who commented, I then randomly read quite a few of the blogs those people followed...so here it is, honesty...I stopped reading, I actually told your dad that I could not read anymore, so much hurt, so much grief, so much sorrow, the pain was all consuming. I also told him how I remember you after the loss of Victoria....how I felt we "were losing you" and how desperately I wanted to see a glimmer of hope return to your life.

I have no idea, by name, who is choosing to no longer read your blog....but, I do know who they are..they are so deep in their grief and their pain that they can no longer see any life beyond their suffering. Understandable, of course...but as you learned through your own heartache and pain, "NO ONE has a patent on suffering" in this life. There are so many people who you inspire, Natalie, and the reason is not just due to your incredible loss in this life. The reason, is YOU.....every thing about you. Your ability to see the good around you through the haze of tears and suffering. Your ability to love others and lift them to higher ground, morally, spiritually, ethically, mentally...Your ability to move forward beyond your own pain and feel the pain of others, others who suffer for many reasons, not limited to feeling pain only for those whose suffering mirrors theirs.

I do not want you to ponder this, very long...ponder, I know you will, only long enough to recognize that what empowers you as a daughter of God is just that....your ability to look beyond your suffering and give hope, joy, comfort, laughter, while speaking for so many people who think and feel the same, but cannot find the courage, the words, or the ability to do so.

I am sorry that there are those who can only recognize the woman who carries her sorrow for the loss of her child so close to heart, but cannot see that same woman's heart is so incredibly large that she can carry the hope and the light of her Savior, which radiates through her personality and her words so strongly that all who know her can feel its warmth.

You ponder long enough to recognize that although some people may have found comfort from your words because you recognized THEIR pain.....the world is filled with others who suffer sorrow, loss, pain, injustices in forms and fashions others may not be able to recognize or see as clearly. Whatever pain one has to bear is generally the one they feel the most.....you know that, we have discussed it, how many times?

Natalie, when you begin to "edit" to please others, then you become more like those you write about. The moment you alter the "sum of all your parts" to make someone else comfortable, you have begun to bend...and someone who bends cannot stand firm. Funny, I think I told you that yesterday....Actually, very funny, I sat here trying to think of exactly what I wanted to say yesterday...no one-liners ( and boy, did I have some) no philosophical interpretations, just one thought....STAND FIRM, SNARKY, STAND FIRM....I do believe that is what I was "inspired" to write. Now, you stand firm about who you ARE.....for you, for me, for the Captain and the little troopers, for those who KNOW you, for those who don't that you inspire....you stand firm for Victoria....she knows her mother and she knows you just simply won't bend b/c the wind might blow in the opposite direction, occasionally.
The comment on this page was true yesterday and it is true today....those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Don't you ever stop being who you are and saying what you feel. We are all so thankful that you can feel something other than your own pain......

As someone we both know and love would say, when it comes to our Snarky-Belle, (reminder to all...that is the point, hence the name Snarky-Belle, geez)
"It is what it is, people."

Carry on Snarky....carry on....trust me, Victoria is cheering you on from the other side...I am confident you can feel her pulling you along..you honor her everyday that you LIVE this life inspiring others!

I love you!

mom said...

as Sarah would say, "I am FREAKIN'OUT" right now....weird, weird....I did not read one thing on this page until after I posted my comment. I do that most of the time, but specifically, when I do not want to be influenced in any way by other people's reactions/responses. I like my comment to be my initial feelings after reading your post.

I had NO IDEA you had commmented....where in the heck do you think I am.....I am ALWAYS right here, little lady.

MOM

p.s. GENERAL WARNING to ALL: to anyone who is giving my kid grief..I will say this in my most charming southern accent, "Bless your heart...you don't know my baby...so, BACK the HELL off!

emily said...

beeeeeeeeeeeee yourself;-) well, you don't need that advice! that's the only way to be. if they don't like it,too bad. it's so hard to put yourself out there and then live in the after math, but what's life without a little risk of truth:-)

Laretha said...

Okay, I have prayed about what to say so here I go...
Natalie - speaking the truth in love is what the Bible tells us to do. Don't apologize and don't stop using this medium to voice your opinion. The quote on your "Leave a comment" page and the comments left by KC Mom say it all.
I also don't wish to debate the statistics of abortion. As this is something I am passionate about I know more than the average person does - only because knowing the TRUTH and the real FACTS is vital in the abortion debate. I also know MANY women who chose abortion. I have also seen the physical, emotional and spiritual battles that plagued them for years. I have also been blessed and honored to see them healed and restored. For those who don't think these precious women and men need "healing" my prayer is that you will someday understand what a tragedy this is to those who make that choice, especially if that someone is you. I am also going to provide a couple of blog addresses to go to so you can read about 2 women who were told to abort because of medical problems with their babies. The stories end very differently but their choice was unwavering. It took more courage for them than I can even imagine. This isn't about agreeing to disagree. This is about standing up for what is right and doing so in a way that may make others angry, but ultimately this is a platform we have been given to do so. With so many using the internet and blogging for evil...I choose to use it for good, as a tool to see lives changed, to share my opinion on abortion, on politics and other things. Just as you do Natalie so
DON'T STOP. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD THING.

Angie Smith's blog from the beggining: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html

MckMama's post: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

If you are reading this comment and want more information on abortion recovery. I hope you will come to my blog or go to www.saveone.org.

La Yen said...

Gravy, this is ridiculous.

I am sorry that you have been plagued by trolls.

And as far as people leaving because you are not focusing every day on one aspect of your life, Boo to them.
You are more than a mother to her, more to a mother to the other ones, more than a wife, more than a teacher. So to expect you to focus on one part of your life is ridiculous.

Michelle said...

I'm still reading!
I found you when you wrote about sweet Victoria, and I have enjoyed the posts since. Thank you for your comment on my blog.
I don't mind snarkiness when it's for the conservative side. :) Even on the liberal, if it is well-written, and if I can tell that the author's heart is truly there.

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

karen said...

I'm fairly new to your blog as well, but I love how articulately you voice your opinions. Your views mirror mine more often than not. But even if we disagree, it's OK. Opinions can be strongly stated, as long as they're not disrespectful or full of venom and hatred. I would object to that. I love your strength of conviction, and your passion, and I'm really starting to love this blog.

Natalie said...

Lovin' Karen.

I am all about "agreeing to disagree"...that's the way it should be. I have many people in my life and we don't always see eye to eye, but we handle ourselves with dignity.

I did have to trash some comments and emails very early this morning because, as Karen would say, they were full of "venom". I didn't trash them because I couldn't stand the heat...because ohhhh, I can SOOOOO stand the heat. I trashed them because they were just ridiculously nasty, and that's unacceptable. Dignified disagreement and discussion is welcomed, but foul language and things of that nature are not.

KC Mom, I'm headed to the kitchen to make cupcakes...the luscious kind! YUMMY!

mom said...

Apparently, I did, in fact, miss the comments before the "trashing" occurred. Probably the "Gods" watching over us....Best that I did not see what "they" wrote(whoever the heck you are...b/c I don't believe you, you won't stop coming here, curiosity will kill you....YOU will not be able to resist the power of the Belle!)However, one might be well served to remember where garbage goes....in the trash! Trust me, it SO is NOT b/c she is a softy or is intimidated...it is b/c this WON'T be a forum for your venom spewing! Differing viewpoints, you bet! Counter-Arguments, absolutely! As a matter of fact...Debate is what we do best! We just don't do "potty-mouths" here... far too much intelligence, you would be over-shadowed so don't waste your time. But, I know your reading...ENJOY!

ummmmmmmmmm.those would be "pupcakes" :) make sure Coler Moler gets some!

Sue said...

Wow...I was only gone for a day and a half and I seem to have missed World War III! What on earth happened over here?

I just re-read your last post, Natalie, and honestly can't imagine why anyone would respond to it with venom. While I didn't get here in time to read the nastiness, one thing I'm sure of is that anyone who has decided to stop reading your blog isn't worth worrying about. Their loss, not yours!

I, for one, will continue to read your blog with great pleasure...whether we agree on any given subject or not!

Hugs to you... =)

MammaWarrior said...

I have not read any comments but I wanted to say that I found you charming, funny and a breath of fresh air! Please know I have been working 7 days a week. BUT when I can I do pop in to say hello!! Keep your funny chin up! I enjoy it for sure and I am just thankful I found you!!

MammaWarrior said...

Natalie's mom..
I love you and your daughter. After reading what you have written it is clear where snarky gets her snarky wit. I agree too that people who don't know any better don't do better, for anyone. You have raised a very inspirational beautiful woman (not that you need me to tell you)
My blog is boring but when I stop working 7 days aweek I will write more. For now, i do read and I do enjoy every second of it!!!

Natalie...I'm glad you deleted that message. they are not worth the space here to condemn. You know what it says, "Ye without sin cast the 1st stone!" I am throwing marsh marshmellowos :)
Many many thanks to you
And I'm loving you too!!!!!!!!

Carly said...

I come to your space to read what you have to say, I don't come to your space to have what I want to hear echoed back to me (I got married for that)! Honestly, if I wanted to read my own opinions, I'd read my blog all day long. You can say whatever you want, I'm here because I need to feel okay about being snarky and opinionated too. The fact that we generally agree is a nice bonus, but if you were liberal but an excellent debater, I'd read your blog anyway. To badly paraphrase Voltaire: "Though I disagree with what you say, I will fight to the death for your right to say it".

mom said...

To all of you snarky lovers.....thank you! Thank you for inspiring her to move forward...though some of you have only known her briefly and through her blog, others know her well....all who know her can say she is determined, steadfast, and constant. In this crazy world, when someone can stand firm when being fired upon...that is integrity! Amazingly enough, she can stand on her own and still allow others to stand firm, as well, EVEN when they DON'T agree! That would be a novel idea for the left wing liberals of this world, now wouldn't it....

To "MammaWarrior"...for your kind words, I am grateful. I do hope that there is a glimmer of me in her, therefore, I can feel I have somehow contributed to the good in this world. Yet, I know she is the better, greater version of anything I possess...

Today has been a great day! I LOVE that she has been challenged, how else can she know her strength? What better way to prove herself than show her courage under fire?

Oh and by the way....for those of you who don't know Natalie, she is not only intelligent, articulate, hilarious, but just so happens she is drop dead gorgeous (Natalie, quit rolling your eyes)so, for those "trolls" (I LOVE THAT)who do not like what she has to say or her opinions, oops, one more reason to hate her.:) Stinks for you, though, doesn't it?

Again, to all the "snarkettes" whether you are an avid follower, an occasional reader, loyal supporter, or fair-weathered friend....you each bring something to her life, support and validation or a challenge and the way I see it, in ALL good things there is opposition....gotta be on one side of the other...either way, you will never have a stronger ally..... or a tougher opponent....food for thought.

Greater tomorrows are to come...get ready Snarky...the world is waiting for you...they just don't all know where to find you....yet!

Valsy said...

Two things:
To hell with those who don't like what you wrote (wisdom of Poppa Joe). If they don't like it, they don't have to put in your blog address, eh? :)

Secondly, where my I love the Valsy note? :)

Rachel Taylor said...

Natalie, I know im quite late as usual on the matter, however, I recommend people to read your blog all the time. Not for one particular subject or another but for your zest for life, and your tell it how it is attitude. For you to edit how you speak would just be completely wrong. WRONG IM TELLING YOU! I love you Natalie! I have always looked up to you, even when you lost Victoria I always thought of you as one with such strength. Don't let these peoples inability to get over their own pain and grief affect you, as hard as that may be. We want nothing other than Natalie the fully Natalie and nothing by the full Natalie so help me God. Or something like that. NEVER change who you are!

Rachel Taylor said...

"Close the door. Write with no one looking over your shoulder. Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It's the one and only thing you have to offer."
~Barbara Kingsolver

Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~Voltaire

Rachel T. said...

Ok for real last one...


The populist authoritarianism that is the downside of political correctness means that anyone, sometimes it seems like everyone, can proclaim their grief and have it acknowledged. The victim culture, every sufferer grasping for their own Holocaust, ensures that anyone who feels offended can call for moderation, for dilution, and in the end, as is all too often the case, for censorship. And censorship, that by-product of fear - stemming as it does not from some positive agenda, but from the desire to escape our own terrors and superstitions by imposing them on others - must surely be resisted. ~Jonathon Green, "Did You Say 'Offensive?"