Thoughts on Sir Isaac's Laws

Science has always fascinated me. Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to pursue a degree in Chemistry or Physics. I did end up with a minor in Biology, and my favorite times as a teacher always revolved around 5th grade Science classes. 5th grade allows us one of our last opportunities to keep things simple. Break things down, make them easier to comprehend.

I often wish I could turn off the thoughts in my mind. I practice every day. Some times I succeed, other times not so much. Veterans Day coming on the heels of the Ft. Hood tragedy has kept my mind busy. Yesterday, Sir Isaac Newton and his Laws of Motion came to mind. Ok, maybe not so much the 2nd law (because come on now, that 2nd one is not so easily simplified) but definitely numbers 1 and 3. Newton's first and third Laws of Motion are relatively easy to break down and comprehend. I'm guessing he probably didn't intend for his Laws of Motion to mill around in the mind of a woman who thinks too much. But, that's exactly what happened.

Newton's First Law:

A body persists in a state of rest or of uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force.
I have sincere hope the events at Ft. Hood will serve as a force that changes the state of rest and uniform motion currently found within our country. As things are now, FBI officials conducting background checks for firearms are banned (by federal law) from sharing information about gun purchases with other departments...departments such as those dedicated to counteract terrorism. What?!? That's a problem.

In addition, the Army's uniform motion is most often a textbook case of "damned if you do, and damned if you don't". There were signs, clear signs, that the perpetrator was a threat. Complaints against this man were made by patients, parents of patients, and co-workers. He was simply waiting for opportunity to inflict his poison.

The Army would've been "damned because they did". Had the Army vigorously addressed the complaints, and taken action, what would your reaction have been? Chances are if you've laid blame for this merciless attack at the feet of the Army, you would've been just as quick to attack them for being anti-Muslim had they more assertively addressed the concerns. Thank you PC Police of the world. Apparently you've effectively tied the hands of many Army officials. Because of your tireless efforts, my husband and millions of others are now less safe. Because of you, one man was allowed to inflict his extremist wrath on innocent individuals...not only those who were physically harmed, but also their children, families, and an entire community. An extremist, a man who did not practice the religion he claimed but rather his twisted view of it, walked among us because the Army feared condemnation and accusations of prejudice. Thank you so much, PC Police of the world, for your compassion and concern.

The Army is now being "damned because they didn't" by many people. Let me be crystal clear: I fully believe something should have been done to prevent this. I am sick that such vile behavior was flaunted. And even with that flaunting, the behavior was shoved under the rug. But I will never "damn" anyone or anything. And, if the Army had taken action against this man, I certainly wouldn't have condemned them for being anti-Muslim, or anti anything for that matter. I would've been thankful for their courage in taking a stand against those whose only purpose in life is to destroy us, to frighten and do harm. The Army can no longer allow fear of "anti" labels to get in the way of protecting innocent soldiers and civilian employees.

I have a sincere, snark-free question: Why do we refuse holding individuals accountable for their actions...when those actions are monumental, horrific and in relation to this country? No, for some reason we choose to blame those type actions on everyone but the perpetrator. It baffles me because I (thankfully) don't see this level of acceptance and lack of accountability when acts of horror are exacted upon abused children or battered women. We want accountability for those actions, and rightfully so. But I have to wonder, what exactly do you think the children, wives, loved ones, and friends of the Ft. Hood victims feel? I'm guessing abused and battered might make the list.

We don't mind assigning blame when the actions of others are far less destructive. Someone cuts you off in traffic...your blood boils. A co-worker annoys you...you're angered by the behavior. A well-meaning stranger, a family member or friend uses the wrong words when you are facing pain and sorrow...you're infuriated, you want to tell them how stupid and insensitive they are. Why are we so quick to think and feel the worst about decent people who cross our paths, our family members, and friends when they make mistakes? Or when they innocently choose the wrong words because they honestly have no idea what to say. We aren't too concerned with hurting the feelings of those we perceive have mistreated us. Too often we rush to put them in their place, or maybe we bitterly sulk, basking in our aggravation and anger.

But, an act of terror? We move around it, as if not calling it out somehow makes it nonexistent. It doesn't matter if you want to call it out or not, it happened. Terror? Oh no, we can't call it what it is. We might hurt someone's feelings. Frankly, I'm far more concerned with the hurt feelings of those who are suffering. Did the actions at Ft. Hood cause intense fear and anxiety? Because that's the definition of terror. How do you think 21 year old Francheska Velez felt in those moments? She had just recently returned from Iraq. She was pregnant, and her unborn child isn't even included in the number of casualties. Do not tell me the act at Ft. Hood was not one of terror. What must she have been feeling, this young woman carrying her child, during those moments? How about taking a little more time to consider people like Francheska, and her child?

Newton's Third Law:

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
The tragedy of Ft. Hood triggered an opposite reaction. In place of the cowardice shown by one man, we have seen the bravery and courage of countless others. In place of brutality and terror, we see expressions of sincere kindness and love.

Yesterday, all over this country, we stood together. People of every make and model, every religion, and people from all walks of life. We stood together, honoring those who have served and those who serve today. We sent a message to people like the Ft. Hood perpetrator. No matter the horror that you spread, we will be there with an opposite reaction. Count on it. And, our reaction will be just as merciful as your action was hateful. Our reaction will be just as peaceful as your action was violent. I felt blessed as I stood in a gymnasium packed with middle schoolers, teachers, Veterans, and their family members. There was a moment of silence offered for the community of Ft. Hood. I admit, given this was a middle school program, I was brought to tears as I looked at the faces of the children in that gym. They were so respectful, so full of sincerity. And, you could have heard a pin drop...literally. This behavior was displayed by the students throughout the entire hour long program. There is so much injustice, so much we can find wrong in this world. But, there is even more that is just, much more that is good. I was surrounded by goodness yesterday. I felt a renewed sense of hope.

I was especially touched by a father (a Vietnam veteran) and son (a veteran of the Iraq war) in attendance. The father spoke of his service during the Vietnam War. He said he rarely revisits that war, neither in his mind nor with his words. There is too much pain. The only story he told was of returning home, and his first stop was a California airport. He had to change out of his uniform before walking through the airport because of protesters waiting to cause pain and malign the service members. He told us his pain was finally healed as he watched our country's treatment of his son, and other soldiers. An equal and opposite reaction. As poorly as he was treated, the countless backs that turned on him...his son has received that much, if not more, support. He expressed gratitude that "our country has turned around on that one." I couldn't agree more.

External forces acting and, in doing so, bringing about change. Actions resulting in equal and opposite reactions. Sir Isaac's Laws of Motion are present, both inside and outside the science classroom.

11-11-2009

Today, and every day, I remember. My sincere gratitude is extended to those who have sacrificed so much, expecting so little in return. Thank you!

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
President John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, "Mother, what was war?"
Eve Merriam

Their life's work is our security and the freedom that we too often take for granted. Every evening that the sun sets on a tranquil town; every dawn that a flag is unfurled; every moment that an American enjoys life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness -- that is their legacy.
President Obama speaking at Ft. Hood Memorial Service

I remember. Always.

Heavy Heart

Today my thoughts and prayers remain with the families, friends, and loved ones of 13 who lost their lives and 30 wounded at the hands of calculated and deliberate violence. My heart goes out to the entire Ft. Hood community. I feel a deep sense of gratitude and respect for all those who responded quickly, without hesitation or thought for self, in the midst of such horror. Those responses most certainly kept the violence from becoming more widespread. I am in awe of unarmed soldiers who bravely took action, and in doing so saved many lives. Today I have a heavy heart. I am praying for the children who live in the Ft. Hood community. The children whose innocence has been wantonly stolen with vicious anger and cruelty. I pray all those facing this tragedy may somehow feel lifted, loved, and comforted.

Confessions on a Sunday

Last week in Target, I needed assistance...it was obvious. Nothing major, I had simply misplaced my car keys. Two women walked past, looked at me, then turned away...pretending not to notice. It wasn't a big deal. I understand people are busy, and it was just car keys. I was appreciative when a lovely young lady walked up and asked if she could help. She was tattooed up one arm, down the other, and everywhere in between. She had streaks of bright green all throughout her jet black hair. Oh, and she had a nose ring too. As the young lady walked away, Princie said, "Mommy, she is so beautiful."
"Yes," I replied, "she certainly is so beautiful."

I know there are people who would snub the beautiful young lady who saved my day. There are those who would criticize me for encouraging Princie's opinion that this stranger was beautiful. You wonder what I'm teaching my daughter, how I'll feel if she's 17 and gets a tattoo. You think I should have responded to Princie's remark with something along the lines of: "Well yes dear, her helping us was beautiful, but she certainly wasn't dressed appropriately, and you know we shouldn't have tattoos. She acted beautifully, but we don't like those piercings." I confess. If you are one of those people, I judge you. You irritate me. I may even like or love you tons, but you irritate me. Yes, I clearly understand where our church stands. I also understand that most importantly, we are not to recognize a tattoo or nose ring. First and foremost, we are to recognize that the worth of souls is great.

I confess. I judge judgemental people. I'm highly critical of people who criticize others. I'm unbelievably aggravated by people who feel they are superior because of their religion or spirituality. I'm beyond annoyed by those who are so caught up in the letter of the law, they miss the boat completely when it comes to following the spirit of the law. And, I feel kinda bad about it. I'm going to work on this issue of mine. Because my behavior isn't helpful. And as I mentioned to a friend, I don't want to simply "tolerate" people. I want to find commonalities. I want to love those who are hard for me to love...the judgemental, holier-than-thou, critical, self-righteous...they are hard for me to love, but I desire to love them and I should. I want to fulfill God-given responsibilities that were placed upon me many years ago...that I "shall not look upon the faults of mankind nor judge anyone", and that I "shall see in fellow beings that which is beautiful and pure".

Now don't get too excited. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, the snark can not be removed from me. Seriously, a girl can only handle so much. And there are times when OH. MY. GOSH., a person had better take a stand! But, the following article reminded me that I want no part in the rampant decline of civility in our societies. (I must admit I was thrilled to see that "rigorous debate" gets a green light....as long as it remains "rancor" free.)

SALT LAKE CITY 16 October 2009 http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-mormon-ethic-of-civility
The political world is astir. Economies are faltering. Public trust is waning. Individuals feel vulnerable. And social cohesion wears thin. Meanwhile, stories of rage and agitation fill our airwaves, streets and town halls. Where are the voices of balance and moderation in these extreme times? During a recent address given in an interfaith setting, Church President Thomas S. Monson declared: "When a spirit of goodwill prompts our thinking and when united effort goes to work on a common problem, the results can be most gratifying." Further, former Church President Gordon B. Hinckley once said that living “together in communities with respect and concern one for another” is “the hallmark of civilization.” That hallmark is under increasing threat.

So many of the habits and conventions of modern culture — ubiquitous media, anonymous and unsourced online participation, politicization of the routine, fractured community and family life — undermine the virtues and manners that make peaceful coexistence in a pluralist society possible. The fabric of civil society tears when stretched thin by its extremities. Civility, then, becomes the measure of our collective and individual character as citizens of a democracy.

A healthy democracy maintains equilibrium through diverse means, including a patchwork of competing interests and an effective system of governmental checks. Nevertheless, this order ultimately relies on the integrity of the people. Speaking at general conference, a semiannual worldwide gathering of the Church, Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles asserted: “In the end, it is only an internal moral compass in each individual that can effectively deal with the root causes as well as the symptoms of societal decay.” Likewise, Presiding Bishop H. David Burton emphasized that the virtues of fidelity, charity, generosity, humility and responsibility “form the foundation of a Christian life and are the outward manifestation of the inner man.” Thus, moral virtues blend into civic virtues. The seriousness of our common challenges calls for an equally serious engagement with reasonable ideas and solutions. What we need is rigorous debate, not rancorous altercations.

Civility is not only a matter of discourse. It is primarily a mode of engagement. The technological interconnectedness of society has made isolation impossible. Of all the institutions in the modern world, religion has had perhaps the greatest difficulty adjusting to the reality of give and take with the public. Today, and throughout its history, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continuously encounters the legitimate interests of various stakeholders in its interaction with the public. Rather than exempting itself from the rules of law and civility, the Church has sought the path of cooperative engagement and avoided the perils of acrimonious confrontation.

Echoing this mode of civil engagement, President Monson declared: “As a church we reach out not only to our own people but also to those people of goodwill throughout the world in that spirit of brotherhood which comes from the Lord Jesus Christ.” Speaking of civility on a personal level, Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught Latter-day Saints how to respond to criticism: “Some people mistakenly think responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak. But, to ‘love [our] enemies, bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us]’ (Matthew 5:44) takes faith, strength, and, most of all, Christian courage.”

The moral basis of civility is the Golden Rule, taught by a broad range of cultures and individuals, perhaps most popularly by Jesus Christ: “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise” (Luke 6:31). This ethic of reciprocity reminds us all of our responsibility toward one another and reinforces the communal nature of human life.

Similarly, the Book of Mormon tells a sober story of civilizational decline in which various peoples repeat the cycle of prosperity, pride and fall. In almost every case, the seeds of decay begin with the violation of the simple rules of civility. Cooperation, humility and empathy gradually give way to contention, strife and malice.

The need for civility is perhaps most relevant in the realm of partisan politics. As the Church operates in countries around the world, it embraces the richness of pluralism. Thus, the political diversity of Latter-day Saints spans the ideological spectrum. Individual members are free to choose their own political philosophy and affiliation. Moreover, the Church itself is not aligned with any particular political ideology or movement. It defies category. Its moral values may be expressed in a number of parties and ideologies.

Furthermore, the Church views with concern the politics of fear and rhetorical extremism that render civil discussion impossible. As the Church begins to rise in prominence and its members achieve a higher public profile, a diversity of voices and opinions naturally follows. Some may even mistake these voices as being authoritative or representative of the Church. However, individual members think and speak for themselves. Only the First Presidency and the Twelve Apostles speak for the whole Church.

Latter-day Saint ethical life requires members to treat their neighbors with respect, regardless of the situation. Behavior in a religious setting should be consistent with behavior in a secular setting. The Church hopes that our democratic system will facilitate kinder and more reasoned exchanges among fellow Americans than we are now seeing. In his inaugural press conference President Monson emphasized the importance of cooperation in civic endeavors: “We have a responsibility to be active in the communities where we live, all Latter-day Saints, and to work cooperatively with other churches and organizations. My objective there is ... that we eliminate the weakness of one standing alone and substitute for it the strength of people working together.”

Live and Let Live

I would be remiss if I failed to give a massive and sincere THANK YOU to Barbara. I love this woman. She understands that a person can be both snarky and compassionate, feisty and gentle, straightforward and kind. Many of our beliefs are polar opposites. In fact, she may cringe when she sees that I even referred to her in a post such as this, but that's kind of the point (not to make her cringe, but to share that even though what I believe might make her cringe, she never feels compelled to attack me or make me feel bad). She is my friend, we genuinely care about each other. She has taught me, and strengthened me often. I want to be more like her. It can be done people...living in this world, seeing things differently, finding a common bond, not participating in stereotypes and generalizations, sharing with respect and love...it can be done! Barbara is a "live and let live" kind of woman. And, she makes beautiful jewelry with more care than you can imagine! So really, what's not to love?

Sometimes it makes me sad that while I'm a "live and let live" woman, others refuse to afford me that same, simple courtesy. Politically, spiritually, religiously, socially...I do not give a rat's rear end how you choose to live your life as long as you leave me (and my family) alone. We don't bother a soul, we just go about minding our own business. We help people in need, with no expectation of thanks. We volunteer without being told to do so by our soon to be state-run media. We don't care what religion you are, what race you are, or how many tattoos you have. Why are you so concerned with changing us? I don't care if you eat meat or only things that never had a mother. Why do you care what I eat? I don't care if you hunt, as long as you aren't hunting me. I don't care if you smoke and choose to take years off your life, as long as I don't have to pay for it and you aren't blowing it in my face. I don't care what kind of lightbulbs you use. Why is my lightbulb choice so intriguing to you? I don't care if you use only the greenest of cleaners, so why do you care if I want to Clorox everything in my house? Just don't come visit.

Now there are some in my church and community, some holding similar political views, and they disagree with this philosophy of mine. Some people who are not members of my church, but who are also Christians, have a problem with this philosophy of mine. And of course there are people on every side of every ridiculous debate that will find something about how I live that bugs them. Their philosophy is not as much a "live and let live" line of thinking, but rather a "convince everyone else that we are right". I don't give a rat's rear end about that either. I'm beyond caring. I live my life in a way that inevitably brings about questions regarding my spiritual beliefs. My Christianity can not and will not be removed from the fiber of my being. It's who I am. Same goes for my social, political, and moral views. I don't want to push my beliefs and views on others. I also do not want others pushing their beliefs and views on me.

Having said all of that, I'm tired of feeling as though my beliefs are under attack. Every time I turn around, something I believe is being trashed. It's becoming quite disturbing actually. And all the while, Isaiah 5:20-21 keeps coming to mind.

My experience with creepy guy lit a fuse in the depths of my soul. I'm not a victim. I will never be someone's victim. Do not mess with me, got it? Again, as I said earlier, I don't bother anyone. I don't follow innocent people and intentionally scare them. I don't force anyone to come here and read my rants. I don't push my beliefs on others. But still I feel attacked, as do many others who share values and opinions similar to mine. Just don't be surprised when I respond to your attacks, when I stand with unrelenting determination to protect my family and those I love. I'm happy to forgive and forget. I'll even turn the other cheek. But just so you know, the cheek you'll be staring at isn't one of the two on my face. And I won't be turning any cheek until after I've let you know just what I think.

But remember, this will only happen if you attack me. I will never start a fight or argument of any kind. But don't look at me all shocked and tormented if you bring it on and I respond with more than just walking away. I'm NOT criticizing people who choose to walk away. That's my whole point...you do things your way, I do things mine. And YES I CAN be a woman full of compassion, tolerance, joy, virtue and all things lovely while also refusing to be pushed around! I'm just not the person who's going to sit by and pretend our world isn't falling apart. I'm more of an Ida B. Wells kind of girl.

I'm going to take a stand against my rights and my liberties being stolen. This country was founded on religious freedom, if you don't like it then go live somewhere else. If you want to live here, I fully expect you come here legally, and it wouldn't hurt if you made at least an attempt at speaking English. Why do I feel this way? NO, it's NOT because I hate immigrants. That's just ridiculous nonsense. (One day I'll tell you all about where my people came from and you'll be shocked.) It's about having a shred of decency, and a little respect for those who came before you, those who did the hard work and put forth the effort to do things the legal way! It's also about your children, and helping them have the best life possible. If you do things the legal way, and help them learn the language, you will be giving them endless opportunities. Now, if you don't live in this country, what do you care? I'm sure it's easy to pass judgement when you don't live here. It's always easy to have an idealistic picture of how things "should be" when your life is completely unaffected by the issues.

Back to religious freedoms. They are quickly becoming a thing of the past...well, if you're a Christian. But we know there will be times we are persecuted for our beliefs. So we can't be all that surprised. I stand firmly against abortion as a means of birth control or to "get rid of" an "unwanted"/"unexpected" pregnancy. Some say that means I am opposed to women's rights. (Excuse me while I go vomit.) I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. Some say that makes me cruel and mean. (Excuse me, I have to vomit again.) Frankly, I could not care less who you love, if you were born loving people of your same gender, or are choosing a certain lifestyle. But, I don't think that just because you have a particular lifestyle the definition of marriage should be forcibly reinvented. I also don't believe you should be ridiculed, beaten, tormented, etc. because of your lifestyle. And I ask that you refrain from ridiculing, beating, tormenting and defacing the property of people who believe as I believe, and live the lifestyle I live.

This road of tolerance, love, compassion and peace goes both ways. I'm tired of it being a one-way street. The only people expected to extend hands of mercy, peace, tolerance and grace are Christian, heterosexual, socially conservative, American whites.

Why do politicians and the media fuel the fire over race? I'm raising two boys...white boys to be exact. Let me tell you...I am sick and damn tired of my boys being made to feel as though they have to apologize for who they are. I'm not keeping my mouth shut on this one anymore! I have two very polite, open-minded, compassionate boys (this is what I hear from teachers, other parents, pretty much anyone who meets them). I will fight to the death making certain they are not demonized by the leftist liberal media, unions, and "social groups" in this country. I find it disgusting that they are pushed back in an effort to let others get ahead. You can push them down. You can withhold things from them. But you will never keep them down. They are good, smart, kind-hearted boys. You can't keep kids like that down! It's on socially liberal America. It. Is. On.

CNN and Rick Sanchez, you've heard from me more than once. You'll keep hearing from me again and again. Not that you'll listen, but at least I can say I tried. Your "Being Black in America" series as well as your "Being Latino in America" series made for a wonderful discussion in my home. Eleven Year Old wondered why you didn't have a series called "Being a White Boy in America"....he thought you could interview him on how it felt when he blew the lid off his standardized tests in Maryland, but wasn't allowed to be acknowledged because he was white. Only minorities could be recognized. Doing his best was diminished because of his race. Yes, he understands we don't do our best for praise, etc. We do our best because that's a good way to live. But he also sees right through your ruse. You don't care about being black, white, or latino in America. You care about making sure the race fire is fueled. I guess I just can't understand why it always has to be about one group being perpetrators and another group being victims. Why can't we all help each other? Why this idea that for one person to succeed, another must be held back and kept from success? Why can't we just be people? People who aren't defined by race and religion? That's what I hope for, but until it happens I can't just sit by and allow my sons to be mistreated.

But, I can't and shouldn't blame CNN. Why didn't I pursue the issue last year? When my son was ignored because he's a white boy, I should have opened my mouth, loud and clear. But, I wanted to be a good Christian woman. I have a kind heart, and I'm not stupid. I know there are issues of great concern facing all people in this country. I didn't want anyone to think I don't care about the struggles of minorities, because I do care. I didn't want to cause a problem. What?!? The school district caused the problem. As an advocate for my child, I should have opened my mouth! Ida B. Wells would've been disappointed in me. She was an advocate for truth. She fought so that all people, regardless of color and gender could stand together. I don't believe she would be at all happy about what happened to my son. Ida Wells believed in equality for all, equality that shouldn't come at the expense of others. She once said, "One had better die fighting against injustice than die like a dog or a rat in a trap." Make no mistake, I will be neither dog nor trapped rat.

Oh my goodness, I feel much better now. I have to credit Em over at Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit for getting me fired up (in a good way). She is so smart, and her Friday's Food For Thought always gets me off my butt and ready to take on the world! In a Live and Let Live kind of way, of course!

Another Road Less Traveled

Thursday afternoon I had a frightening experience. On my way home from a doctor visit, I was followed by a creepy stranger. At first he was in front of me, trying to get me to pull up to his car--jackass jerk didn't know I've read entirely too many Reader's Digest articles to fall for that trick! Then he sped up, slowed down, sped up, turned around, etc. until he ended up behind me. It's a long, icky story and to be honest, I don't want to revisit details. Thankfully, even though I was nervous, I kept my wits about me. I pulled into a fire station. The firemen were absolutely wonderful. In fact, creepy guy drove past the fire station twice while I was there, and I seriously thought one of the firemen was going to blow his top...he was so angry the idiot had scared me. And, I was scared. But, I was also angry. I loathe bullies and people who purposely intimidate others. The firemen suggested I stay at the station for a while just so we could make sure creepy guy didn't return.

When I left the station, I held it together until pulling safely into my garage. With all of my heart, I just wanted to call the Captain...everybody has a "go-to" person, and I just wanted to hear the voice of my go-to guy. The fact that I don't have that luxury right now was suddenly unbearable. I started crying, and by the time I made it into my living room I was sobbing. I was a crumpled heap on the floor, a crumpled, messy, wailing heap of a woman. No exaggeration, there was wailing. I was broken down. In fact, I haven't cried like that since my daughter died. And all those years ago, it never crossed my mind that I would cry like that ever again. But oh, I did on Friday afternoon.

If the wailing stopped for a moment or two, it was just so I could scream at the top of my lungs. "I can not do this. Do You hear me? I can not do this again. You better listen to me this time," I could hear myself bellowing. I was even pounding my fist on the floor. After 10 minutes or so, I just stopped. What exactly is the "this" that I can't do again, I wondered. No one's dying, I'm not preparing a funeral. What is the "this" that has shaken me to my core? I really didn't believe it was creepy guy following me that had pushed me to this point. But, I didn't have time for self-analysis right then. My 6th grader would be walking through the door at any moment, and this was not the picture he needed to see.

That night as I knelt beside my bed, I felt a wrestling match coming on, and I wanted no part of it. So, I simply stated: "Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for keeping me safe today, thanks for keeping my family safe. You and I both know I'm tired. I can't do this. Can't do any of it. Thank you for the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Thank you for all of my blessings. I can't do this, ok. I'm going to bed now. Amen." I slept a solid eight hours. I was shocked when I woke and realized it was the best sleep I've had in a long time.

My head was clear. My heart still felt a little shredded, but it was all coming together for me. No wrestling required. "This" was actually a number of things. None of which I cared for, and all of which began to flood my mind...vulnerability, weakness, lack of power, and the biggie: lack of control. When my daughter died, I had never felt so powerless. Never before, and never since--until now--have I had such a complete lack of control in my own life. There is nothing I can do to make "this" stop. My go-to guy will be gone for a year. I have no control, no say, no power in that. In my mind, vulnerability is neither impressive nor attractive, and vulnerable is just exactly how I was feeling.

I was still in bed as I pondered these things. The following thoughts flowed clearly through my mind: "You are exactly right. You can't do "this" again. What are you trying to prove? You've wrestled with God before, what did you learn? Why would you choose to wrestle that very same match again, when you don't have to?"

I was reminded of Jacob, when he was asked: "What is thy name?" He was forced to remember his name, who he was, and how he got to that place. It was as though God was whispering to me, "Child, why are you forgetting that you already know your name? I've taught you so much about the woman you are. Can't you remember? I've already blessed you with the tools for "this"? You've already wrestled this match."

At that moment I had a choice to make. 13 years ago, I responded as Jacob did. "Tell me, I pray thee, thy name." (Genesis 32:29) Do I take that road again, or instead do I rely upon the answers and tools I've already been given? And so, Friday morning, I knelt beside my bed, just as I had the previous night. But, my prayer was not the same. "Dear Heavenly Father, You and I both know that I can't do "this". You don't want me to, and neither do I. We both remember I did "this" alone--by choice--many years ago. I'm not taking that road again. I know my name. I don't have to ask for Your name again, I already know it too. I'd like to take a different road, one I haven't traveled much."

A road that is about acceptance as opposed to wrestling with things I can't change. I don't so much like it when people flippantly throw around the phrase "Let Go and Let God". Having wrestled once, and coming so close to wrestling again, I understand there is nothing flippant about letting go. But if you can actually do it, the payoff is amazing.

I feel a renewed sense of peace. I am not powerless or weak. I may not have control of all things, such is life. But, in the past God allowed me to earn many tools, and I'm in full control of how I use those tools. I have the power to use those God-given blessings and tools, ones I wrestled and fought to receive, as I travel a new road.

It may seem unfitting to end with a quote from reality tv, but I've sunk to much lower levels before. The Biggest Loser is my newest reality series addiction. In the past, I haven't watched because I wasn't fond of Jillian Michaels. I thought she was too hard on the contestants. I have a friend who suggested I watch it anyway. Oh my goodness, I love it! The contestants are dedicated, open, and honest...with the exception of one whack-job, but there's one in every bunch, right? A few have even sacrificed their spot on the show so another can stay. These people are truly inspiring to me. And, Jillian cares about them. No doubt--she's cocky, and super tough on them, but she genuinely wants them to succeed. Last week, she was training a contestant who was scared and feeling defeated. Jillian's response to the woman made me pause the show. I had to rewind it until I could get the whole quote jotted down correctly.

Jillian: "You just don't want to let go of the story. That's why you're afraid. And until you're ready to step into a new life, and write a new story, you're just wasting your life. And your life's not going to change."

I'm writing a new story when it comes to "this". I don't have to prove anything to anyone, including myself. I'm becoming ok with not having all the control. I'm understanding that letting go and catching some of what life throws in your face (without fighting it off) doesn't mean you are weak and powerless. Sometimes we've already learned the lesson. Sometimes, instead of wrestling another match, it's preferable to use the tools we have...step into a new life, and walk a road we haven't traveled much. I won't waste another minute of my life on "this".

Tased and Confused

Beware. I am entirely too tired to edit. It's 2:33 in the morning. Sue, I apologize in advance for the countless grammatical and punctuation errors that will likely jump out at you.

One of the most fascinating things about blogging has to be the people who creep around, just waiting to read something they don't like. Seriously, if I visit a blog and find that the writer's opinions and views do nothing more than rile me up, make me sad, hurt my feelings, etc. I won't go back. If the writer's views are nowhere near my own and I can't think of anything nice and/or productive to say in the comments, I leave that blog. Why in the world would someone want to read a blog that did nothing but make them feel angry and combative? I just can't wrap my little brain around that one.

Another interesting thing is confusion about the purpose of blogs. There really is a difference between a person sharing thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. on her own blog and opening up a chat for back and forth debate. This blog is NOT a forum for debate. That is not the purpose for my showing up here. If that's what you're looking for, go somewhere else.

To me, it's like a party...and the hostess decided not to send out invitations. Everyone's welcome. The hostess is happy to have everyone join the festivities as long as they use common courtesy, common sense, and want to enjoy life. The party could play out a few ways:
(1.) You hear about the party, show up and realize that you generally like the other people who are there. But you just don't have much in common. So, you go find another party. You don't feel the need to tell the hostess and other guests how much you dislike their interests as you walk out the door. You just politely leave and make a note to self: I don't think I'll visit that particular party again.
(2.) You show up and you like the people. You like the food, the music, the conversation. So, you stick around and after a short time you feel as though you've known these fellow party-goers forever.
(3.) You show up and you don't really know if you like the other people or not. What you do know is that the hostess said something you don't so much like. In fact, you think she's a terrible hostess. You feel an urge to educate the hostess and all those in attendance. You do this in a condescending way, and you may not even realize it. Or maybe you're just plain rude. Finally, to the relief of the hostess and her guests, you leave. Feeling what? Superior because you let that hostess know you don't agree with her? Superior because you are certain you know how things should be, you shared your knowledge, and graced the party-goers with your presence? Taught them a thing or two did ya? Nice.

I've mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating. I don't come to MY spot to set you or anyone else free. I come here to set myself free. I don't come here to educate, change minds, or alter opinions. I come here to have my own little "Set Me Free" party. I didn't send out invitations. But that doesn't mean you get to crash my party! It's the dawn of a new day here in my spot.

Just as I don't set out with the intent of educating, etc., I don't expect to be educated. That is not to say I'm too proud to learn from others. I learn from others each and everyday. It's one of the greatest gifts in my life. But, if you come here thinking you will ever change my opinions with one or two or a hundred snarky comments of your own...bless your heart...please stop wasting your energy. Surely it could be better spent elsewhere. Go find your own spot to be snarky and set free, hang out with your family, have some fun with your friends. The thought of you spending so much time and precious energy on my blog is just sad.

Again, this is not a forum for debate. It's my blog. Some will say I am "afraid" to listen to opposing views, or that I "can't handle" comments that aren't supportive. Let me be perfectly clear on this: I am soooooo not afraid, and I can handle a helluva lot more than rude comments from some random person I have no interest in ever knowing. I've said it before, but some people must need a refresher...I don't need my ego to be fed. In real life, I'm surrounded by people who challenge me to have a more open mind, think more, learn more.
They are Democrats, Republicans, Independents. They come in every shape, size, color, and religion! We hang out, we chat, we debate, we laugh.

I'm beating around the bush here. What I really want to say is this: I just don't care what you think. "You" meaning those who come here to read just because you want to start a drama or "school" me in some way. I don't want to learn from you. I don't want you at my party. And if I have to, I'll call security and have you thrown out.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm afraid of what you think about my hostessing.
Doesn't mean I don't want to learn to be an even better hostess...I just don't care to learn from you. Why? Well, for one reason, I don't think you're productive. If all you can find to do in life is be contrary, I'll pass on all you are offering. Doesn't mean I want only people who are just like me showing up. It simply means I don't care what you think of how I conduct my party. It means I think you should find a new party. You may think I'm contrary. That's so silly, given that the ONLY comments I EVER leave on others' blogs are kind and supportive of the hostess.

If you despise the way I hostess and/or what I say, believe, etc. then just leave this party! I didn't sign up for a course in How to Host a Party taught by you. I'm not interested in hosting the kind of party you would enjoy. If you come to my party and don't like what I'm serving, that doesn't mean I'm a rude hostess. How can you not understand this concept...it's just so simple!

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My little brother has entered Glenn Beck's Arguing with Idiots video contest. Keep in mind that no one cares if you think Glenn Beck is ridiculous, ludicrous, hateful, stupid, etc. Don't want to hear about it, if after watching the video below you think all those same things about my brother. (Refer back to the above post if necessary!)
Below you can see the video he submitted. If you aren't comfortable seeing someone get tased, you may not want to watch. But, I reeeeeeeaaallllly would LOVE for him to win. So please watch. Or you could just click on the video and turn away, at least then he gets a vote. I can tell you the tasing is absolutely, 100% real. My little brother is just fine. He said it was the worst pain of his life, but worth it. Snarky Mama was not happy when she heard he was going to do such a thing. Really people...NOT happy! (I gotta admit, I was on board from the minute he told me his idea.) Is he crazy? Sure, but it's totally a good kind of crazy.
Enjoy.....