During this current journey (and believe me, it's a journey) with Princie, I've felt intense feelings that honestly, I haven't felt in years...doubt, fear, anger. While I'm normally a realist, I've been feeling pessimism gnawing its way into my thoughts and feelings. I have begun to question my ability to be a good mother. I fear that my sweet girl will push peers away, and feel lonely. I have even felt anger towards my Heavenly Father. Thursday night, I had a little chat with Him: "Haven't I suffered enough already? I've buried a child. Do You remember that? Well, You should because my firstborn child is with You now. Could You please look at her, and remember how losing her ripped my soul to shreds? Could You please look at me? Remember how far I've come. Do You remember the days when I just wanted life to end? Do You remember my pleas, my sorrow? But, look at me now, I survived. You helped me. Why do I have to feel heartache again? Why do I have to feel so helpless with regards to one of my daughters...again. Ok, granted it's absolutely nothing compared to losing a child, but still, my heart is hurting. I am truly, sincerely thankful that nothing we face with Princie is life-threatening. But, I think it really stinks that we even have to take this walk. Over the years (even as a child) my life has served up heaping helpings of hurt and heartache. It would be greatly appreciated if You could just ease up on me a bit."
No, I don't expect life to be an easy path to maneuver. Yes, I understand it isn't all about me. No, I don't believe that just because I had learned a multitude of life's lessons before I was even 25, the learning should stop. No, I don't expect that because I buried my oldest child the rest of my life should be a pain free cakewalk. Yes, I know there are countless others who have and continue to suffer far beyond anything I have experienced. Far beyond anything I will experience in years to come. No, I don't wonder why me. Yes, I realize that although I've experienced great hurt and pain, I've also been blessed beyond belief. No, that fact is not lost on me.
But Thursday night, I was exhausted. I won't lie to you. In that moment, I could only think a few things. I can't bear to watch another "meltdown" like I just watched. I've already felt enough pain in my life. I deserve healthy, happy children. Was my prayer selfish? Probably. But I made a promise many years ago that I would never speak to my Father in Heaven as anything less than a friend. And, the words I spoke that night, they were the words I would've spoken to a dear friend whose help I needed. A friend who knows that I understand this life, with all of its lessons: sorrow, joy, disappointment, fulfillment, despair, hope. A friend who also understands that sometimes we have to vent. We let it out, or face internal combustion. My Friend, He knows.
I know He hears me. He hears each one of us. I know that pain isn't erased just because He hears. As I prayed that night, I knew the truth. My learning didn't stop after the lessons taught with Victoria. The very nature of this Earth and this Life did not change because I buried a child. My nature changed. And because of that fact, I can dig down deep, remembering who I am. I will make it on this journey. I will be open to all that my Friend and Princie have to teach me. And, I will remember this: Just as I know that God did not "give" Victoria Trisomy 18, He did not "give" Princie sensory integration struggles. But, He will most certainly give me strength, and peace, and the power to endure. I have felt the refiner's fire before, I'll feel it now, and I'm quite certain I will feel it in the future as well.
Valsy sent me the following video. It pierced my soul. It reminded me of who I am, who each of us are, and the power that lies within. Every part of it touched me. I found it interesting that when "pessimistic" and "criticizing" thoughts/words were mentioned, the dark shadow was pointing back at the person. Do we forget the harm we can do to ourselves? I believe we do. Thank you Valsy, I needed this. Oh, and the background music...it's on my iPod...it's what I wake up to every morning!
Please don't be turned off by the words about sin below. I promise the video is uplifting and inspiring...not a call to repentance. So, here's to all of you. Readers, and closet-readers. Christian, Jew, Atheist, and Agnostic. It doesn't matter to me. You know I am a Christian, but there's something in this video for everyone. Doesn't matter who you are or what you believe. My hope and prayer is that something in this video touches your soul, brings you peace and respite, even if only for a moment.