Saturday, December 6, 2008

An Open Letter to Mr. and/or Mrs. Grouchy-Pants

Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Grouchy-Pants,
When you left your home this Saturday morning, what exactly were you expecting to find?
From the look on your face, it slipped your mind that today is Saturday, December 6th and not some random Saturday in May. It must have been such a shock when you pulled into that massive parking lot and saw it overflowing with cars and people. Especially because Target, Barnes&Noble, McDonald's, Old Navy, Kohl's, and at least 10 other businesses are all in that location. But, you handled your shock like a real champ.

For instance, when you had to wait for those kids to make it through the crosswalk, you looked as though your head just might explode. Blasted kids, how dare they hold you up with their skipping and humming, not a care in the world, who do they think they are? For the love of Scrooge, don't they know it's Christmas, and you have things to do, no time to waste! But, your head didn't even explode. Impressive.

And when that lady so very politely said "excuse me" as she attempted to move her cart through the aisle, your icy glare was touching. In fact, I am almost certain you made her season merry and bright. How could she have been so thoughtless? Surely she knew that was your aisle, yours I say, yours! Oh, and I also overheard the teenage cashier mention how much he appreciated you snapping at him when he accidentally forgot to scan your coupon. He wasn't even embarrassed, and the whole scenario really boosted his confidence. Nice work.

When I heard you huffing and puffing as you waited in line, I was almost certain you were going to hyperventilate. Maybe you were just overcome with the joy of this Christmas season? Then, as you were leaving the parking lot (you remember it was when the guy in front of you didn't pull out as quickly as you thought he should) I noticed you smacked your steering wheel (maybe out of sheer excitement because you found some nice bargains). You yelled something that sounded like bass mole (I still can't figure that one out). And then, you topped it all off with the hand gesture that would make any mother proud.

You really seemed to enjoy yourself today. Good for you. It was truly my pleasure to witness the Christmas spirit you shared with others. As I took it all in, I felt my chest swell with pride in my human race. I can't wait to do it again next week.

Your Fellow Shopper

P.S. I'm pretty sure that voice you hear is calling your name. You can find everything you need with no risk of human contact. You can even sit in your footie pajamas, sipping on a mug of hot chocolate. If you choose to venture out, arm yourself with patience and a smile. Rudeness and attitude will not help any situation. There will be parking mayhem, long lines, and...are you ready for people. I'll be the one smiling, humming, browsing, just enjoying the madness. Merry Christmas Mr. and/or Mrs. Grouchy-Pants!


Sue said...

Once again, you and I are like-minded. I've gotten most of my Christmas shopping done right here in my home office, jammies and all! Most catalogues are offering free shipping deals, too, since it's a slow year.

Ain't it great?

(I did go to the outlets yesterday with my son and was actually shocked to see how well people were treating each other. Even a few "Merry Christmases" were exchanged! I chalked it up to the character-enhancing dimension of hard times.)

KC Mom said...

Touche....and stay Bass Moles!

Rachel Taylor said...

LOL I love it, what a funny little twist. I have never understood what people expect to accomplish by becoming impatient. No one is going to do what you want them too, lines are not going to move any faster. So suck it up mr and or mrs grouchy-pants you are in it for the long haul.

mom said...

Looks like you hooked a WIDE MOUTHED "BASS" right in the old "Bass Mole" today! Way to go snarkster!!!!

You made my day.....again!!!! :)

Shauna said...

you just made me laugh a m&m out of my nose!! its so true yet so sad! I have been shopping late at night to avoid the crazies! If you want to find some real hum dingers go to walmart after 9:00pm and then write a post..I can't wait. Thanks for the compliment..!!

Aubrey said...

BASS MOLE! I might have to use that phrase when I feel especially angry, haha.

Natalie, I love you!

Anonymous said...

This was too funny Natalie. I gave Heather Olsen your blog site and she replied saying that she loved your blog and it made her laugh and cry and laugh some more. We all love it!!

Lori said...

I'm all for sitting at my desk, in my jammies, "sucking" down homemade Christmas cookies and hot chocolate while simultaneously order my gifts on line! It is easier and cheaper for me than trudging out to the stores, waiting in long lines, dealing with the "bah-humbugs" out there only to pay enormous shipping and handling fees.

Kathy said...

In our family when ever a driver is particularly rude to us, we say "They must be in labor." Also, my dh always says do not attribute to malice what can be explained by pure stupidity. So I always feel bad for those rude drivers, because they have it harder than I. :)FYI I expect a population explosion soon.