Saturday, December 6, 2008
Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Grouchy-Pants,
When you left your home this Saturday morning, what exactly were you expecting to find?
From the look on your face, it slipped your mind that today is Saturday, December 6th and not some random Saturday in May. It must have been such a shock when you pulled into that massive parking lot and saw it overflowing with cars and people. Especially because Target, Barnes&Noble, McDonald's, Old Navy, Kohl's, and at least 10 other businesses are all in that location. But, you handled your shock like a real champ.
For instance, when you had to wait for those kids to make it through the crosswalk, you looked as though your head just might explode. Blasted kids, how dare they hold you up with their skipping and humming, not a care in the world, who do they think they are? For the love of Scrooge, don't they know it's Christmas, and you have things to do, no time to waste! But, your head didn't even explode. Impressive.
And when that lady so very politely said "excuse me" as she attempted to move her cart through the aisle, your icy glare was touching. In fact, I am almost certain you made her season merry and bright. How could she have been so thoughtless? Surely she knew that was your aisle, yours I say, yours! Oh, and I also overheard the teenage cashier mention how much he appreciated you snapping at him when he accidentally forgot to scan your coupon. He wasn't even embarrassed, and the whole scenario really boosted his confidence. Nice work.
When I heard you huffing and puffing as you waited in line, I was almost certain you were going to hyperventilate. Maybe you were just overcome with the joy of this Christmas season? Then, as you were leaving the parking lot (you remember it was when the guy in front of you didn't pull out as quickly as you thought he should) I noticed you smacked your steering wheel (maybe out of sheer excitement because you found some nice bargains). You yelled something that sounded like bass mole (I still can't figure that one out). And then, you topped it all off with the hand gesture that would make any mother proud.
You really seemed to enjoy yourself today. Good for you. It was truly my pleasure to witness the Christmas spirit you shared with others. As I took it all in, I felt my chest swell with pride in my human race. I can't wait to do it again next week.
Your Fellow Shopper
P.S. I'm pretty sure that voice you hear is Amazon.com calling your name. You can find everything you need with no risk of human contact. You can even sit in your footie pajamas, sipping on a mug of hot chocolate. If you choose to venture out, arm yourself with patience and a smile. Rudeness and attitude will not help any situation. There will be parking mayhem, long lines, and...are you ready for this...live people. I'll be the one smiling, humming, browsing, just enjoying the madness. Merry Christmas Mr. and/or Mrs. Grouchy-Pants!