Did you know that having an epiphany can wear you slap out? I've had a few in my life, but this most recent one? H.U.G.E. I mean really huge. And, I'm tired now. Haven't even had the energy to tell my precious husband or SnarkyMama about it. Haven't had the energy to write about it, but it's coming...soon. I've heard people say maybe the reason for a tragedy or heartbreak is so that we can help others in their times of sorrow. I will never believe that. In fact, I don't find that the slightest bit comforting. What I do believe is that when you survive heartbreak you can choose to turn it around. You have the power to lift, comfort and guide others. Blessings and miracles will manifest themselves through others who have walked the path you face. There is an amazing woman I've met through blogging and she has taught me things I never knew about myself. I'll write about it when I can find the words and energy.
September is so predictable. Every year it begins, bringing along the familiar sounds and smells and cool air. All of which transport me right back to 1996. I haven't really "recycled" posts before, but today I make an exception. I wrote the following close to one year ago. It's true, some things never change.
~September 14, 2008
It's almost too much to process, the changing of seasons coupled with my oldest child's upcoming birth/death day (September 25). I walked outside this morning and felt the crisp fall air settling in on my world. In one moment I feel both freedom and suffocation. It is so strange, and no number of years will change that.
I wrote this poem a few years ago. It still holds true today.
I guess it always will.
How did I get here?
In this raging sea, and I can't swim.
Do I fight the suffocating darkness,
Or just let go?
I am alone now.
I am fighting to live, but only because everyone is calling my name.
I am growing tired, too tired to fight.
Darkness is my day,
Cold is my embrace.
I'm breathing, but I am not alive.
Outstretched hands all around me,
But none to pull me out.
I can't find the surface.
I give in to the pain,
Darkness is comfortable.
And yet, somewhere in my mind,
I know that my soul will never let me go.
My soul offers hope.
And with hope, a gentle voice whispers air into my lungs.
I have strength.
Strength to touch the One hand that can guide me to the surface.
I am free.
I am alive.
Light is my day.
Warmth is my embrace.