Promises

Thank you sweet Carly. I don't really have adequate words, but I want those who read this to know what you did. Carly gave me a Recognition of Life certificate for my daughter. You can read here to understand why this gift is so valuable...priceless.Thank you again for your thoughtfulness Sarah.
And, thank you Barb for remembering...love you.

I'm not the smartest or most articulate, not the skinniest, prettiest, the coolest, or the wealthiest...definitely not the wittiest, I'm not a world traveler or a rock star. But let me tell you what I am. I'm honest. Because of that, you can trust me. And today I'm making a promise to those of you currently in the throes of grief, sorrow or disappointment.

I promise the anniversaries that are now greeting you with despair and hurt...those anniversaries will not always come barging in with such ferocity. Someday they will knock gently, and with a little more compassion. They will kindly wait for you to open the door of your heart. While the longing and sadness never completely leave you, and at times memories, smells or sounds will unexpectedly flood your mind and heart, thus taking your breath away...there will also be peace.

Happy 13th Birthday to my firstborn child. You are being loved and remembered by so many today, people all over this world. Amazing. I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the beauty of written words. It's one of many gifts you have given me. Even as a child I loved to read, but your influence has taught me to cherish the art of words.

From The Looking Glass, by Richard Paul Evans:
"I consider with wonderment the path which has led me to this place of tranquility. Though one does not forget the wounds of the past, scars can bring gratitude if we will consider the healer. There is not a day that I do not think of her. Though I have peace in my heart, it only makes my longing for her more clear."

From The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran:
"And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again into your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you may say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable."

©2003 Susan Noyes Anderson, His Children, Vantage Point Press
We make of Life an enemy or friend,
depending on our hospitality...
our choice to welcome Her or let Her be,
our right to denigrate or to defend.

Her face is ever changing as the moon,
yet She is fixed and forthright as the stars.
Her gifts are wisdom, joy and battle scars;
and all must dance, unbidden, to Her tune.

Life comes to us unbridled; shall we hide?
Or will we, through the pleasure and the pain,
embrace the greatest heights we can attain
and smile upon the world with hearts flung wide?

I am learning to smile upon the world with my heart flung wide. I promise.

Thanks for the Smile

Yesterday my cousin called. She told me she's ordered flowers for Friday, and she'll take them to the cemetary. A bouquet of rainbow daisies tied with a bright lime green ribbon...because she thought maybe that's what a teenage girl would like (my girl would be 13 on Friday). I couldn't agree more. And the whole thing just made me smile.

A Lifeline

A Breather

I'm officially stepping away from the computer for a while. My heart and my brain aren't so much feeling this spot right now. And, for some reason that makes me feel guilty. Each day that passes without finding the time to read your blogs, comment, etc. leaves me feeling like a "bad" blogging friend. That's why I'm making it official...so maybe I won't feel guilty.

We laugh a lot in this house. I count that laughter as one of my greatest blessings. Lately, I just want to hunker down with my people and enjoy life. In the not too distant future, the Captain will be deployed. When? All we know is that it will be much sooner rather than later. So I say, commence the enjoying of life and laughter.

I am feeling the need to build up my reserves of energy, positive thinking, strength and faith in my own abilities. I want to reignite passions that don't revolve around the woes of the world, politics, czars with creepy beliefs (such as compulsory control of family size and allowing animals to sue us in court) and obsessively checking others' blogs (if you people weren't so funny, talented, creative, wise, etc. I wouldn't have this obsessive need to check your blogs!!)... things like reading, music, teaching, and seeing the beauty in mankind. Those are passions I once felt deeply, but in the past year have allowed to dwindle.

My recent epiphany helped me remember so much about who I really am. I'm working on getting those thoughts together. When I get those formed coherently, I'll post and then promptly return to my hunkering down. Now the mother hen in me is a bit nervous about stepping away, so may I ask one small favor? If you have some monumental news (or even small news), please let me know! It's not like I want to be banished to a deserted island, I'm just taking a breather!

Mmmmm, Kool Aid Tastes Goooood

Thank you Sue for sharing the following video and giving me a laugh today!
Sue rocks.


Thank you Fiauna for your most recent post.
You have done a great service by raising awareness.
I agree that helping others is exactly what we should be doing; however, pledging to be a servant of a man is not something that makes me comfortable...in fact, I find it beyond creepy. No one should misconstrue this and insinuate that I am opposed to lifting and helping others. I'm just not a fan of celebrity ramblings and I find it sadly amusing that none of these people thought service was important before November 2008. I'm also concerned so many have forgotten that our elected officials work for the American people, not the other way around. I respect that Fiauna mentions not rushing "headlong into a political debate". I appreciate the thoughts she shared! Please read Fiauna's post. It's full of sincerity and common sense.
Can't beat that!

And So It Begins.....

Did you know that having an epiphany can wear you slap out? I've had a few in my life, but this most recent one? H.U.G.E. I mean really huge. And, I'm tired now. Haven't even had the energy to tell my precious husband or SnarkyMama about it. Haven't had the energy to write about it, but it's coming...soon. I've heard people say maybe the reason for a tragedy or heartbreak is so that we can help others in their times of sorrow. I will never believe that. In fact, I don't find that the slightest bit comforting. What I do believe is that when you survive heartbreak you can choose to turn it around. You have the power to lift, comfort and guide others. Blessings and miracles will manifest themselves through others who have walked the path you face. There is an amazing woman I've met through blogging and she has taught me things I never knew about myself. I'll write about it when I can find the words and energy.

September is so predictable. Every year it begins, bringing along the familiar sounds and smells and cool air. All of which transport me right back to 1996. I haven't really "recycled" posts before, but today I make an exception. I wrote the following close to one year ago. It's true, some things never change.

~September 14, 2008
It's almost too much to process, the changing of seasons coupled with my oldest child's upcoming birth/death day (September 25). I walked outside this morning and felt the crisp fall air settling in on my world. In one moment I feel both freedom and suffocation. It is so strange, and no number of years will change that.

I wrote this poem a few years ago. It still holds true today.
I guess it always will.

How did I get here?
In this raging sea, and I can't swim.
Do I fight the suffocating darkness,
Or just let go?
I am alone now.

I am fighting to live, but only because everyone is calling my name.
I am growing tired, too tired to fight.
Darkness is my day,
Cold is my embrace.
I'm breathing, but I am not alive.

Outstretched hands all around me,
But none to pull me out.
I can't find the surface.
I give in to the pain,
Darkness is comfortable.

And yet, somewhere in my mind,
I know that my soul will never let me go.
My soul offers hope.
And with hope, a gentle voice whispers air into my lungs.
I have strength.
Strength to touch the One hand that can guide me to the surface.

I am free.
I am alive.
Light is my day.
Warmth is my embrace.