It is almost too much to process, the changing of seasons coupled with my oldest child's upcoming birth/death day (September 25). I walked outside this morning and felt the crisp fall air settling in on my world. In one moment I feel both freedom and suffocation. It is so strange, and no number of years will change that.
I wrote this a few years ago. It still holds true today.
How did I get here?
In this raging sea, and I can't swim.
Do I fight the suffocating darkness,
Or just let go?
I am alone now.
I am fighting to live, but only because everyone is calling my name.
I am growing tired, too tired to fight.
Darkness is my day,
Cold is my embrace.
I'm breathing, but I am not alive.
Outstretched hands all around me,
But none to pull me out.
I can't find the surface.
I give in to the pain,
Darkness is comfortable.
And yet, somewhere in my mind,
I know that my soul will never let me go.
My soul offers hope.
And with hope, a gentle voice whispers air into my lungs.
I have strength.
Strength to touch the One hand that can guide me to the surface.
I am free.
I am alive.
Light is my day.
Warmth is my embrace.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
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4 comments:
My precious Natalie....I cannot imagine my life without my firstborn, you...the pain is so great, I stop imagining. Yet, you live that pain every day. I know no other person could ever "replace" you, yet so many others give me the greatest joy imaginable.
You have always been my "hope" for this life and have inspired me when I felt I could not take another breath. I know Victoria will always be your "hope" for life beyond this one and she will carry you through the days you think you cannot breathe.
I love you, you are my "Precious Moment..."
Mom
I can't imagine the pain you were suffering when you wrote this poem. I only wish you could see yourself the way others see you and know this world would never be the same without you. I miss you and our conversations. There have been times where YOU have been what has kept me going another day. Love you.
I have no idea what you feel on this day, but I know that my heart aches for you and the pain you have felt. Sending loads of love and happy thoughts your way. Love you!!
I remember being there at the time, I knew it was hard and yet I was a "child" and I could only watch as you went through so much, and then you left, and you have become such a wonderful woman in spite of all your trials. I can only imagine how hard it was and how hard it continues to be!
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