Defensive....Who Me?

Lately I've had a hard time quieting my mind. My thoughts are playing MarioKart in my head. (You totally understand what I mean, if you play MarioKart like I do...which is mostly crashing into everyone else, getting turned around/driving backwards on the course, and knocking into every roadblock there is.) Pretty much a jumbled, chaotic mess of thoughts bouncing and bashing into one another: making sense of this new chapter in my life, finding my niche, Army life, politics, war, stillbirth, faith, hope, poverty, elitists, and the list goes on and on.

This morning I read a BYU commencement speech that was recently given by Elder M. Russell Ballard. As I read, it became clear that I often live my life on the "defensive", "waiting for the other shoe to drop", etc. While Elder Ballard's speech was directly related to my particular church, it struck many other chords with me. His wisdom can be applied to practically every aspect of my life. I defend my faith (to Christians I'm defending with things like: YES, Mormons ARE Christians. NO, I do not believe that I can buy my way into heaven with good works. YES, I do believe in grace. To atheists, agnostics, etc. I defend my belief in Jesus Christ with things like: No, I am NOT judging you. No I am not being nice so that later I can attempt to convert you...I just kinda liked you and thought we might be friends), I defend the longing I feel for my stillborn daughter, I defend my love of Dr.Pepper (the non diet, and completely caffeinated kind), I defend my conservative values, my sometimes liberal values, defend my passion for politics, defend my love of being in bed by 9 p.m., defend my snarkiness...defend, defend, defend. And frankly, it's exhausting!

In an effort to turn over a new leaf and begin "engaging" rather than "defending", I have a few posts brewing. For now, I leave you with a portion of Elder Ballard's speech. Again, it deals directly with life as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But, I'm guessing a little less defense (in all areas of my life) might help with the MarioKart in my head.

"In our interactions with others are we expecting always to have to defend ourselves? If so, I think we need to make a course correction.” Elder Ballard said. “It is inconsistent with where we are today as a Church and as a great body of followers of Jesus Christ.”
Elder Ballard referred to recent research that suggested Mormons can sometimes appear defensive to those who are not members of the Church. The study said that when Mormons are explaining their beliefs, they couch their language in terms that suggest they are expecting criticism.
Among the reasons for this type of reaction is the long history of persecution that Mormons faced during the early days of the Church, which included an extermination order from the governor of Missouri in the 19th century.
“That is now an indelible part of history. You have heard the stories of hardship and sacrifice since you were a small child. And yet this isn’t 1830, and there aren’t just six of us anymore. Could part of the defensiveness that others sometimes see in us suggest that we still expect to be treated as a disliked minority, forced to flee to the West?”
According to Elder Ballard, the growth of the Church is increasing its prominence and bringing public attention. He noted the Church is now the fourth largest church in the United States and that Mormons are found in nearly every community.
“This prominence alone ensures that the Church is going to be talked about more and more, and that Latter-day Saints are going to find themselves in more and more gospel discussions,” he said.
In suggesting the tone Mormons might adopt in responding to criticism, Elder Ballard referred to the Church’s response to a cable network airing a dramatization of its sacred temple ceremonies earlier this year. The statement explained, “As Catholics, Jews, and Muslims have known for centuries, such attention is inevitable once an institution or faith group reaches a size or prominence sufficient to attract notice.”
He also explained that too often Mormons allow others to set the conversational agenda, and subjects such as the long-discontinued practice of polygamy become the focus.
“Whenever you are having a conversation about the Church, you should try to make this a point. We follow Jesus Christ. We try to live as He taught. That’s the basis of our faith and our lives. This is the strongest non-defensive position you can take. You don’t have to defend or justify anything when you are basing your position on the teachings of the Son of God, and the fact that you are doing your best to keep His commandments,” he said.

And It Makes Me Wonder

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by men, or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more than what happened in congresses?"
~Neal A. Maxwell

Partisan Politics...Clear as Mud

Healthcare is a "right", but life isn't?
You can go ahead and file this entire debate under: Things that make me go hmmmmm?!

Lost, Found, and Failing

Lost:
My energy and drive to unpack boxes.
Found:
A sad little puppy, lost & roaming around the house because she doesn't know what to do with herself. (Ok fine, so I'm the "sad little puppy"....I miss my kids. I want summer back! And sending your "baby" to Kindergarten, thus giving you loads of alone time, is HIGHLY overrated!)
Failing:
I stink at sending kids back to school, especially Princie the Kindergarten girl.
I stink at being home alone.
I should be unpacking boxes, but I move around the house like a zombie, just waiting for my people to get home.

Lost:
My desire to create a separate blog for political rants and ramblings.
Found:
A renewed sense of "If you don't like my thoughts, go somewhere else, bite me, etc." A push to keep standing and one way of doing that will be staying right here in MY spot. My time away has put things back in their correct perspective. I made this spot, I come here to feel free, and I'll be darned if anyone is going to make me uncomfortable in my own spot! So, please forgive my temporary insanity.
Failing:
My commenting on others' blogs is tremendously lacking right now, and I apologize. My goal is to be fully back in action next week!

Christopher

Today my little friend passed away. When death rears its ugly head, I'm quickly reminded of just how selfish I can be. He is okay now. I know it. He's no longer in pain, no longer suffering. And for that, I am grateful. But, I'm devastated. I'm hurt and disappointed. My heart breaks for all of us who are left behind, who no longer have the pleasure of being graced by his presence on this Earth. I do not worry and fret over what happens after this life. I am not afraid of death. I'm afraid of the pain it leaves in its wake...the feeling that your chest has been ripped open and your heart shredded.

And most importantly, what about his parents and two sisters? I feel physically ill as I think of the days that await them. I don't even have words for the aching I feel for them.

Do you think maybe my Victoria was one of many awaiting this precious little guy's return? Is it possible that they could share a hug, and know of my love for them? I believe so.

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not a mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently
than 10,000 tongues.
They are the messengers
of overwhelming grief,
of deep contrition,
and of unspeakable love.
-Washington Irving

Prayers

Well I've finally made it home. I am looking forward to getting caught up on all of your blogging goods. And, I have tons of pictures & stories to tell. But, today is not the day.

Today, I am pleading for your prayers on behalf of my little boyfriend and his family. The little guy is not doing well. My heart is too heavy for words to express it. He should be starting kindergarten this month, not lying in a hospital bed with erratic vitals and unresponsiveness. This child is one who laughs and loves freely. He is the happiest kid I've ever known, and in the past weeks has reminded his family to "smile even though our hearts are hurting". Truly an amazing child. And I will be forever honored to know I was his first crush. Funny isn't it...how such silly, trivial things like being a five year old's first crush or remembering a smile and wave nonchalantly shared in a preschool hallway can suddenly become the very things we cling to in times of heartache and sadness. The tiny things that I never would've imagined I'd someday be thanking God for...but today, that's just what I'm doing.

Please pray for him. Pray for his sisters as they are beginning to fully realize the severity of this situation. Please pray for his doctors. And, of course for his parents. They are facing heartwrenching decisions. Decisions that no parents should have to make. Many of you are all too familiar with the pain they are facing now and will face very soon....if they do not get their miracle. The Sliker family needs peace and comfort, please pray they can feel both. Thank you! Sincerely.

Can't Quite Catch Up

Maybe I just forgot how long it takes to unpack a house and family? I believed I would be closer to truly "settled" by now. But, not so much.

It's Tuesday, and I'm just getting around to posting the poem Sue wrote for The Captain. It's Tuesday, and I haven't checked in with any of you...or left comments, which is one of my favorite things to do. It's Tuesday, and the kids and I are headed to Mississippi (hard to believe I haven't been there in two years) tomorrow morning...early...I need to go to bed. It's Tuesday, and that means in just a few days, I'll be 5th row, in Memphis, at the AMERICAN IDOL CONCERT!!! WOO HOO! Snarky Mama is performing the ultimate sacrifice and giving me her ticket. I can't believe it. This means it's true...she loves her daughter more than she loves her some Adam Lambert! UNfreakinBELIEVABLE! I will most definitely share some pictures from this blessed event!

Now for the poem.You may not "get it" because Sue was A-MAZ-ING with how she added personal touches and incorporated the "inside" family jokes. But, this made us laugh, and cry, and laugh some more. Happy 40th Captain, and Happy 16th Anniversary! I love you "most and best"!

A Birthday Tribute to Jared on the occasion of his 40th birthday

There couldn’t be a better day
to celebrate the birth
of Jared, the most perfect and
good-looking man on earth.

This view includes no bias, for
as all can plainly see,
J-Rad makes Pitt look like the pits
and shames McConaughey.

And yet he’s modest to a fault,
despite his many skills.
This guy does more than look good,
he dispenses shots and pills!

You got it; he’s a bona fide
D.O., a woman’s dream.
Okay, he has one weakness…
He’s a sucker for ice cream.

And chocolate chippers dipped in milk…
with crushed red pepper, please!
(Some oddities are not offset
by medical degrees.)

Some oddities are not offset
at all…Take the remote.
JJ has two speeds only: warp
and slow as an old goat.

But no one wants to get his goat
on this, his birthing day.
And strange or not, his family seems
to love him anyway!

They love his crazy dancing, and
his cardigan so blue.
They even love it when he says,
“Let’s make a plan.” It’s true!

They like it very much. They do!
“Are we a team, or not?”
They even like his “Popeye legs,”
“steamroller,” and what-not.

His stubbornness? Okay, it’s cool.
His watch obsession? Sure.
The Andersons are loving folk,
who patiently endure.

More than endure…They’re proud of him.
Of course they are! Just think.
If he inhaled a case of Mountain Dew,
they wouldn’t blink...

Because they know if it were bad
for them, he wouldn’t try it.
Besides, he’d never drink the regular…
only the diet!...

The same is true with Cinnabon,
a problem in the past.
These days, he says “Can’t eat that!”
Which means, “Go and buy one, fast!”

Oh yeah, you bet. They know the code.
His family “hears him” well.
That’s why they are “survivors”, who
turn basement lights off well.

They always pay attention to
this man they idolize.
They give him gifts so they can see
crazed glee in his blue eyes.

(Well, not just for that reason, for
they’re givers…to a fault.)
There’s nothing they won’t do for him.
Of their earth, he’s the salt.

A stubborn and sarcastic guy,
who’ll tease you to a fit,
old Jarrell’s still the best around…
and that includes his wit.

It’s dry as dry can be, and honey,
that’s the way we love it!
Sure, he’s a Kansas City fan,
but he can rise above it.

Or not. In Jared, those poor Chiefs
have found a faithful man.
Their losing’s taught him what it means
to be a loyal fan.

And he is ever grateful!
Well, okay then, maybe not.
(At least he’s learned good coping skills,
and those are worth a lot.)

When Natta Splatta’s mad at him,
he handles it with grace.
He whistles loud as loud can be
to find his “happy place.”

He also seeks his happy place
in movies, golf, and running.
He finds Braveheart, The Patriot,
and Gladiator stunning.

On TV, he likes basketball…
(That’s college ball, not pro.)
Chris Farley or The Office seems
to be his favorite show.

He checks out Bernie Mac re-runs
as well…These make him laugh.
His loftier self likes sculpting
to indulge his artsy half.

Oh by the way, this artsy self
IN NO WAY is involved
with “wrestlemania,” an issue
yet to be resolved.

But let’s stick to the pleasant things
like Chloe’s “true love’s kiss”
and Cole’s painful encounter with
the pitch that couldn’t miss!

Hey, ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.
Cole and his dad are a’ight.
(And so are Cade and Dad, who love
to banter day and night.)

Speaking of banter, have you heard
how J-Rad wooed his bride?
Apparently, he made quite sure
that she’d be by his side.

She’d only been in Provo for
a day or two, at most,
when she encountered Jared, in
his role as flirty host.

Church had been canceled due to snow,
so Natalie’s good bud
led her to an apartment filled
with cute guys, not one dud!

The place was packed, but J-Rad said,
“Sit by me; I don’t bite.”
She took it as a challenge and
did not put up a fight.

In fact, she didn’t fight at all…
Four weeks, and she was dust!
In love…engaged…embarrassed, too…
she broke her homegirls’ trust.

She’d promised them she wouldn’t wed,
but Jared had his ways.
It wasn’t love at first sight, though…
just love at fourteen days.

He lied to her right off the bat.
(This truth is sad to say.)
He fed her Olive Garden food,
a fact he’d not convey.

Instead he said he’d done it all…
cooked every single thing.
Did he ‘fess up? Of course! Once she
said yes and wore his ring.

But all was quite forgiven when
he made sure to agree
that, like Natalie’s folks, they’d wed
in Washington D.C.

He wanted his wife happy, and
he gladly paid the price
in cost and inconvenience. Sigh.
J-Rad is really nice.

He is. Why not admit it, with
all kidding said and done?
At church, home, work, or anywhere…
his rep is number one.

He knows that love, not money, is
the gift that makes hearts sing…
and yet to meet his family’s needs,
he’d give up everything.

He’s cradled babies in his arms,
rocked them to sleep, and fed them.
He dearly loves his children and
has kindly, gently led them.

He’s been an anchor for his wife,
a loving friend and teacher.
He’s always by her side and goes
where others cannot reach her.

This poem is getting personal,
so let’s change points of view,
exchanging “he,” “she,” “they” and “them”
for “I,” “me,” “us” and “you.”

Henceforth, the poet hands this poem
into Natalie’s care.
Her voice is needed to explain
the things she wants to share.

Thanks, bard. Okay, I’m taking over.
This should not surprise.
I’ve never been a shrinking violet,
and that still applies!

It’s all about us, Jared.
Start to finish, you and me.
In those first days at BYU,
we sealed our destiny.

A chiropractor you were first,
but finances were tough.
You feared that, as our family grew,
we might not have enough.

And so you took a leap for us
by entering med school.
You took on stress beyond belief
and never blew your cool.

What’s more, you never blew us off
as husband or as dad.
However sleep deprived, you never
yelled or made us sad.

In fact, you made us happy!
Family first has been your creed.
Bedtime stories, hugs, and board games…
You met every need.

You always have; you always will,
in good times or in sorrow.
No matter what goes wrong, your hope
is for a bright tomorrow.

We’ve felt the soaring joy in life.
We’ve borne the sinking pain.
We’ve walked through days so dark it seemed
we’d never smile again.

When we lost our Victoria,
your heart was broken, too.
How did your know the words to say?
The loving things to do?

That day I knew she’d leave us,
just before she left my womb,
you came and knelt beside me, in
the shelter of our room.

You took my hand and held it tightly.
Safety filled my soul.
You helped me tell our little girl
that one day, she’d be whole.

We told her she had changed our lives.
We told her of our love…
We promised her eternity,
united up above.

And then, we sat in silence, but
my heart could not be still.
I wanted, just once more, to feel
her move, to know the thrill…

of her sweet life inside me, ebbing
now. You bowed your head,
and placed it on my stomach as,
together, prayers were said.

We fervently poured out our hearts,
pleading for one last sign
of all she was and is to us,
and of God’s hand divine.

We prayed and then we waited, but
we didn’t wait for long.
Our little daughter said farewell
with one last kick, so strong…

that your head bounced. A miracle!
Pure light engulfed your face.
We’ll not forget the blessing of
that sacred time and place.

Our joy is in the journey now;
we take nothing for granted.
Your life and mine grew richer with
each seed of sorrow planted.

Today our lives are rich indeed.
In you, my soul finds peace…
and warmth and hope and laughter,
wrapped in love that will not cease.

Sometimes I think of half a dollar bill
in one, small casket.
I wait to hear a question and
the dear voice that will ask it.

“Do you still have your half a dollar,
Daddy?” she will say.
I know you’ll answer, “Yes,” because
you carry it each day.

And you will share that ice cream that
you promised her, together,
as all of us look on. One family,
sealed in love forever.

You are my very dearest friend.
I trust you with my heart.
You’re with me when I’m in your arms
or when we’re far apart.

I love you when you’re tough and strong
and when you’re soft and sweet.
I love it when you cook for me.
(Best food I’ll ever eat!)

I love you when I’m Snarky, and
I love you when I’m Belle.
I even love your singing in the shower.
Can’t you tell?

I love you when it’s easy, and
I love you when it’s hard.
(But if you ball my covers up,
you’d better be on guard!)

You are the Captain of our ship.
That’s why we’ve made a fuss.
We hope this poem has let you know
how much you mean to us.

So Happy Birthday, soldier…
40 years, and going great.
It’s time to get your party on.
Hey y’all, let’s celebrate!

This poem presented to Captain J-Rad
on the occasion of his 40th birthday

With love from Chloe, Cole, Cade, Victoria
and Natalie…Your crew.

May every dream you dream be yours
And every wish come true!

Thank you Sue, for your role in giving Jared this priceless gift!